


Helpless

by arc_shield



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Fanfic, Hope, Loss, Love, M/M, Marvel - Freeform, Memories, Stony - Freeform, friends - Freeform, memoryloss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-07-20 09:27:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16134425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arc_shield/pseuds/arc_shield
Summary: Steve loses his memories after a severe head injury and has trouble readjusting to his old life. He doesn't trust anyone, closes himself off, mopes around the compound. Not even Tony Stark can get him out of his funk. Everyone around him deals with the new Steve as they attempt to get his memories back.





	1. Lost

**Steve**

_Steve Losing your memory…_

_Not knowing who you are…_

_It’s harder than having an identity…_

_When an identity you have a life, a family…_

_Without memories you feel like a ghost watching everything float by…_

_Or like you’re falling into the endless abyss…_

_My name is Steve Rogers, and I don’t know who I am._

It had been weeks since the crash and Steve still couldn’t remember anything. His “friends” showed him pictures and videos, but he drew a blank. They told him about his life, his powers, his responsibility as an Avenger. The words that came out of their mouths were meaningless. At meals, Steve sat solemnly in the corner watching his friends laugh and smile. Most days Steve would either roam around the compound silently or would work out in the gym to keep in shape. Sometimes the other Avengers had missions, but Steve couldn’t join them in fear of hurting his head more. He was left alone. At those times he would put on classical music and sit near a window and just watch the clouds change shapes and lazily role by.

There was one person who was different than all the people he had met. Anthony Stark. Or Tony if you are a friend. He had been acting the strangest when Steve had come home from the hospital. The first time they met, Steve had seen Tony without a shirt trying to put pink band-aids on a painful looking gash in his left shoulder. Steve didn't know how to react so he stayed quiet. The next few weeks however, Tony tripped over his words when he spoke and constantly tugged at the ends of his sleeves as if he was always nervous. He would make sure to stay a good distance away from Steve as if he was trying to restrain himself. Steve didn’t understand why he acted like that and no one would explain either. They would say “It’s just better if you didn’t know.” and that was the end.

As the days progressed, Steve realized that he had not only forgotten memories, but feelings. When people would ask how he was doing Steve could only reply “I don’t know” because when he thought about it too hard his brain got fuzzy. The doctors say he damaged multiple parts of his brain which would account for that feeling. The only time Steve ever felt something was when he would box or work out.

Steve began to spend most of his day working out, boxing, doing some sort of physical activity to stimulate his brain. The more he worked the more he remembered anger, disappointment, sadness, loss. As the negative emotions came flooding in, he cut himself off, became cold, and spent all day boxing to feel something. There were days were Steve would punch the bag so hard it flew off the chain. More often than not Steve would break down crying until someone heard him and came to his rescue.

Every day it was always Bucky or Sam or Natasha. Once they noticed the pattern, like clockwork they would find him right as he had his breakdown. They would comfort him and try to soothe him and take him upstairs to his room. But today wasn’t like every other day. This time Steve saw a flash of something in his head. A memory? A dream? A hallucination? Steve couldn’t tell, but he tried to ignore it and punch harder. The flashes kept coming until they began to play like some sort of movie. This scared Steve but he kept punching harder and harder. Steve could see himself and Tony and Thor and Bruce and Natasha and some tall man with an eyepatch. They were talking and Steve’s heart started beating fast. Suddenly, the bag broke and flew off in front of him. His paused, whatever was happening stopped. But for the first time, he remembered what he had seen. Steve stood in the middle of the gym. Frozen. He couldn’t move.

“Steve, please take a rest. You’ve been at this all day.” A voice came from the other side of the room.

It wasn’t Bucky or Natasha or even Sam. It was Tony’s voice. Soft, sweet, caring. Steve didn’t know why but his chest felt warm when Tony began to speak.

“What are you doing here?” Steve asked gruffly. He realized that he was feeling something even though he wasn’t punching a bag or running on a treadmill.

Tony walked toward him slowly as if Steve was a wild animal. They made direct eye contact, but neither of them spoke.

“Natasha sent me down. She said that you usually break down around this time and told me to check on you. I- I- heard the bag break and came to see if you were alright.”

Steve looked him up and down. Tony looked small and frightened like a mouse. His cheeks were tinged pink. Though his eyes were soft, Steve could see the red rings like Tony had been crying. Steve had a sudden impulse to comfort Tony, to wrap him up in his arms and never let go. Steve was taken aback by this sudden feeling and turned away from Tony.

“I’m fine. You can go.”

There was a pause.

Steve heard Tony whisper, “i miss you…”

Though his voice was quiet the words still echoed in Steve’s ears.

“I’m sorry, Tony. I don’t know what to tell you.” He sighed and turned back to face the small man. “I don’t remember anything.” Steve knew that was an absolute lie, but he didn’t want to be around Tony any longer. “If you don’t mind, I just want to be left alone.”

Steve heard Tony’s small gasp and felt sorry for him. Tony obviously had some connection to Steve and Steve was shutting him out. Steve turned away and walked to grab another bag. Tony quietly left gym and Steve was once again alone. Steve dropped to the floor out of exhaustion. He hadn’t realized that all this exercise actually would have an effect on him. As he lay there, breathing heavily and trying to get his energy back, Steve heard talking from the hallway.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore, Rhodey. I can’t reach him, he shuts everyone out, maybe I should just try to find someone new.” Steve could hear Tony choking back tears as he spoke. The great Iron Man that everyone kept talking about was now devastated.

“Tony, I can’t believe you just said that. You’re giving up on him already? Where is the Tony that vowed to get Steve back no matter what it took? I say that you should keep building that machine and don’t give up hope. The least you can do is give him another few weeks. At least until the machine is built.”

“Fine, but you can’t expect me to play nice when he isn’t being cooperative either. He barely trusts anyone except Sam and Bucky...” The voices faded away and Steve felt sick to his stomach.

He had lied to Tony, pushed him away, and made him cry. Steve didn’t know why but the thought made him throw up. He began to cry as well. Something in his brain shifted.

His thoughts were now dominated by Tony: his voice and his walk and his body (especially his butt). Steve could feel his heart jump every time he thought about him or was in the same room as him. He occasionally would get a boner when Tony would walk by in a particularly tight shirt or when he would pass by the workshop and see Tony dancing to AC DC or Led Zeppelin.

Steve pushed all his feelings down and all the memories and emotions until he thought he couldn’t take it anymore. The world felt like it was suffocating him and everything made him annoyed. It wasn’t until a meeting with the team that Steve finally came to a decision.

 

**Tony**

The day after Steve had been admitted to the Hospital, Tony couldn't sleep. He stayed up every night working on some meaningless project trying to distract himself from the pain and longing. Rhodey made him leave the house a few times to go to the grocery store and Pepper brought him food and water so he wouldn't pass out. He missed Steve. Very much. He didn't know he he had gone the first 40 something years of his life without him. 

When the doctors told him that Steve was suffering severe head trauma and would probably not remember him was the day Tony broke. He cried. He cried for hours. For days. It took Pepper and Rhodey three full days to get Tony to calm down enough to talk to Sam about his problems. Sam listened, cried with him, helped him through the pain. Tony couldn't bear the thought that he would look at Steve and there would be no recollection of anything they had together. 

Tony laughed at himself. He had been hoping to propose to Steve after their mission. "Look how that turned out" he thought. 

On their usual Thursday movie night, the Avengers chose to watch a kids movie to distract themselves from the thought of losing Steve. They decided to watch _Meet the Robinsons_ since Tony had never seen it. 

As they watched the movie Tony saw his own life reflected in the movie: becoming an orphan, inventing amazing things but all the adults around him ignoring his success, his determination and intelligence. When the main character decided to make a memory scanner Tony got an idea.

"I'm making one of those" He suddenly blurted out. 

His friends all turned to look at him with confused looks.

"What are you doing?" Bucky asked.

"I'm gonna make one those memory thingies like in the movie."

Pepper started, "Tony, it's a movie-"

"Pepper, I need to make a machine to help Steve get his memories back."

Natasha put a hand on Tony's leg, "Tony, we don't even know if he will have memory loss. The doctors have no way to confirm until he wakes up."

"I don't care. I want to be prepared. I want him back. I need him back."

Everyone sat in silence, the movie continuing in the background. They had no way to comfort Tony.  They finished watching the movie. Tony cried at the end when the little boy got adopted and the movie finally came full circle. 

Nobody judged him or said anything to him. They knew it would be better to let him get his emotions out instead of pushing them down. 

Tony got to work. He didn't sleep, he didn't eat unless Pepper forced him to. He barely even left the workshop unless they had a mission or something needed to be fixed around the compound. 

When Steve finally woke up, the doctors called Tony and said that Steve had no memories. Tony just sat there, his breathing jagged and pained. He didn't cry this time but sat silently for a few minutes before blasting Black Sabbath and getting back to work. He needed something to concentrate on that wasn't Steve. He ignored the nagging in his brain to go visit Steve. Tony felt that he wouldn't be able to deal with Steve until he came home. 

The day steve came home was another terrible day for Tony. He accidentally blew something up in the lab and ran upstairs, covered in brown goo, to find some band-aids for his arm. He flew into the kitchen not knowing that Steve and Bucky were sitting on the couch. 

Tony took off his shirt, revealing a large gash in his left shoulder. "Ah shit buckets, this hurts. Ahhhhhh! Man that little kid was so good at inventing and he never accidentally almost blew _his_ arm off! I'm a grown ass adult, I should be able to do this without injury." 

Tony fumbled around until he found Hello Kitty band-aids and gingerly placed five or six on his shoulder.

"Lookin' good, Stark!"

Tony heard Bucky's mocking voice and whipped around. When he saw Bucky and Steve sitting on the couch, he turned completely white.

"Oh- oh- my god. Umm, ha ha sorry. I'm just- Um, trying not to- Uh bleed out. You know. The usual." Tony could feel the blood draining out of his body as he spoke. The world was crashing down on him. 

Bucky laughed, "Wow. Real smooth. Steve, this is Anthony Stark. He owns Stark Industries and built this complex for us. He also has a tendency to blow things up."

Steve waved. Tony could have died right then. When he looked into Steve's eyes he saw nothing there. Not the usual loving look or the knowing eyes when Tony did something stupid. They were blank and Tony couldn't bear to look at him.

" _V_ _ery_ funny, Barnes. So funny I forgot to laugh. And you can call me Tony if you want." Tony was desperate to leave and hide in his workshop forever. 

"Whatever, Stark. Don't you have a robot to get back to or something?"

Tony was relieved when Bucky said this and practically sprinted away to his workshop. He quickly turned on some loud music and threw his shirt back on. He sat down and put his face in his hands and sighed. Dum-E beeped in support. 

"He's back. And I don't know what to do." 

 

A few weeks passed and every time Tony saw Steve he would make sure to try not to mention their relationship or his undying love. He made sure to stay a few feet away from him or else Tony would hug him and never let go. He was afraid this might scare Steve so he avoided eye contact and stuff like that. His friends tried to be supportive, but Tony chose to avoid human contact. 

Tony continued to work without stopping or sleeping or eating. He only cooperated when they went on missions and Tony could be away from Steve. Bruce began to work with him on the project since everyone felt that it would be better if Tony had company. 

Tony once made the mistake of checking on Steve after he had worked out. It had turned out to be an awful decision as he almost started crying when it was over. Tony left with a fire in his soul pushing him to work harder and for longer hours.

After weeks of Steve being a complete jackass, everyone was stretched thin. Tony especially was just tired of Steve being cold and pissy with him. Maybe this machine would fix everything.


	2. Tensions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. Just a heads up but some of the stuff I'm writing about was not included in the AU on my Instagram. It honestly makes for a better story if I add stuff so yeah! Have fun reading!

**Steve**

A few weeks had passed since Steve had started _feeling_ again: for his friends, when he stubbed his toe, when something didn’t work out in his favor, when there was a problem he couldn’t solve. Steve finally had gotten used to it and actually enjoyed it because it made him feel human again.

Memories were a bit tougher. There was still only that one flash that Steve had, a few other dreams here and there, but he couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t. He also suffered from short term memory loss so it became harder to remember simple things like what Steve had eaten for breakfast or where the living room was. He sometimes forgot what his friends looked like and it would shock him every time he would see them.

The one person Steve could never forget was Tony. Tony this, Tony that, Tony all the time. It was all he could think about in the morning, at night. Steve pushed down every impulse and feeling until he could hold no more. Tony equally had been avoiding him which made it really hard to decide whether to speak up or hold everything back.

One fateful day, the Avengers had a meeting to talk about the next mission they had to go on. It was a pretty routine mission: Bad guys hide in cave, they have weapons of mass destruction, the avengers fight the goons, destroy the weapons, grab a beer on the way home.

The problem was that Rhodey was insisting that Steve join them since there was “extra security” and he argued that they needed back up.

“If he doesn’t come with us on this mission, we’re toast!” Rhodey’s voice echoed through the conference area. All the avengers were clearly on edge, exhausted, and hoping the argument would end.

“Rhodey, the poor guy can barely remember what he had for dinner last night. Give him a break!”

Tony audibly sighed, his face in his hand. Steve tried not to stare at him or put a hand on his leg in support. Steve’s attention was diverted when Vision piped in.

“If I may say something, it might be detrimental to Captain Rogers’ health to go on another mission. There could be negative effects. I would advise against it.”

Rhodey countered, “But we _need_ his strength if we’re going to break into the facility.”

Steve hated that his friends were fighting over him. He felt so helpless in that moment because he couldn’t do anything. He was useless on the field and useless if he stayed behind. Steve began to feel self loathing creeping at the back of his brain.

“Guys, doesn’t Steve get a say in all of this? He is literally right there.” Natasha cut off Steve’s train of thought. After a moment all eyes were on Steve, waiting for an answer. The only one who seemed to not care was Tony.

Tony mumbled under his breath, “I can’t deal with this anymore.”

Natasha whispered back, “Tony, just breathe. We won’t let him go if you don’t want him to.”

Steve flinched at this comment. _Why would Tony care if I went on the mission if he had been ignoring me this whole time?_ Steve decided to break the silence. 

“Guys, I appreciate the open discussion, but this is my life. I can make my own decision.”

From the kitchenette Tony quickly shot back, “Steve as your bo-... friend, I think it would be better to stay at the tower. I’m sure we can handle it.”

Steve couldn’t tell if Tony was being nice or condescending but it made something in him turn sour. Maybe it was the tone that Tony had used, but Steve felt extremely defensive.

“Tony, you don’t have to defend me and I sure as hell could do on this ‘mission’ if I wanted to. If my head didn’t feel like it was cloudy, maybe I would join you, but Vision is right. This could be bad.”

 _A lie._ Steve had just lied to his team. He his head felt okay. It would probably even be good if he got out of the compound, but something in him couldn’t bring him to admit the truth. _What if I fail them all again? What if Tony ends up hating me more?_

Tony’s face turned a light shade of pink. It seemed that he didn’t know a proper response. He took a second to compose himself.

He finally responded with more confidence, “Steve, I get that you’re a little untrusting right now, but I know you better than anyone. I will defend you if I have to.”

Steve’s heart jumped after what Tony had said and how close he had gotten. Finally for the first time since he got back Tony had gotten almost up in his face.

“Tony, _drop it_! We’ll talk about this later. Please.” Natasha’s voice was sharp and her eyes were piercing the back of Tony’s scalp.

Tony backed away and Steve’s heart fell. He wanted Tony back in his space, to feel his heat. Steve also realized something very important: Tony doesn’t hate him.

Steve didn’t know how he knew or what made him realize it, but something in the way Tony talked and the words that he chose made him see that something in Tony cares. Natasha knows what it is, but she probably wouldn’t tell Steve anyway.

In that moment Steve decided that he had to tell Tony about his memory. Tell him about his feelings. He knew right then would probably be really bad since everyone was sitting around him and Tony seemed like he was in a bad mood.

Wanda tried to comfort Steve, “We understand, Steve. Stay here. Try to see if you can remember anything.”

Steve nodded and said, “Thanks, Wanda. We’ll see what I can do.”

Steve felt terrible. The entire team was counting on him and nothing he did helped. He felt a need to apologize.

“I’m sorry guys.” Steve’s head hung in shame. His chest felt tight. Steve willed tears not to fall. “I know I’m probably letting the team down, but I can’t trust that I’ll be safe. I’m going to be completely honest, I’m terrified to go outside by myself these days,” this was a true fact. Steve hadn’t been outside in a month, “I may have been some strong Captain before, but that’s not who I am anymore.”

The words felt heavy as they rolled off his tongue. The rest of the avengers looked heartbroken for Steve. They knew how much Steve had gone through.

“I’m so sorry guys.”

Steve sat in the conference room until everyone had disappeared to other parts of the compound. He sighed and put his head down on the table trying to slow his breath.

Steve felt like utter shit. He made Tony upset, he disappointed everyone, he lied to his friends. All the emotions that were pent up inside were slowly bubbling up to the surface and threatening to spill out.

_Why are you such a bad person? Were you always like this? Why won’t your memories come back? You’re such a failure._

The words stung as they passed through his head. He kept dismissing them trying to find a way to console himself. Nothing worked.

Steve began replaying the whole meeting until he reached something that caught his attention.

_I know you better than anyone…_

Those words echoed in Steve’s head. He didn’t know what Tony had meant when he said it but as Steve thought about it more he realized why Tony has been upset the whole time. _We must have history_. Though Bucky claimed that he had known Steve the longest there must have been something different with Tony

_I know you better than anyone…_

Steve heard footsteps approaching. He lifted his head and saw Sam.

“Hey, let’s talk.”

Steve nodded as tears fell from eyes.

 

**Tony**

After Tony’s blow up during the meeting he stormed off to his lab. He was so mad at the world, himself. Mostly himself. He had gotten mad at Steve and made him upset. Tony had never seen Steve so upset, on the verge of tears.

He picked up a screwdriver and threw it at the wall. It clanged loudly against the wall and fell to the floor. He turned to see Pepper and Natasha watching him.

“What are you guys doing here.”

Pepper walked over to Tony and wrapped him in her arms.

“Tony, you know that we are worried about you. I’m sorry I can’t be here for you more often. Please know that if you need to talk, call me. I’ll always pick up even though you don’t always pick up my calls.”

Tony sighed in Pepper’s shoulder, “Oh Pep. I made him cry today. He looked so sad. How could I do that to him? I can’t deal with myself.”

Pepper squeezed him tighter. Tony’s close friends all knew that Tony had self esteem and self worth issues and shouldn’t be left alone with them. Tony felt so small in Pepper’s arms. There was a pit in his stomach and all he could see was Steve’s face after Tony had gotten mad.

“Tony I wish I could stay. I have to go to a board meeting but I came to give you this.”

Pepper handed Tony a DVD. It said “In Case of Emergency” on the disk. Tony chuckled and grabbed it from her hand.

“Thanks Pep.”

Pepper gave Tony a kiss on the cheek and left. Natasha came to Tony’s side.

“Ah my other red head councilor. What have you got for me? A box of chocolates?”

“Please. I’m here because we need to talk about Steve.”

“I hurt him Nat. What is there to say?”

“Tony, you can’t be mad at that. We are all a little stressed right now. It was completely understandable and Steve will see that once he gets his memories back.”

Tony shrugged, “Whatever you say. He won’t even look or talk to me these days. No I haven’t been the friendliest either but I have reasons.”

“He probably does to. I promise I’ll try to talk to him. He’s been open with me lately so we’ll see what I can get.” Natasha looked at Tony with a sad smile. “I’m going to leave, but I’d suggest you watch that. I think it’ll help you feel better.”

Tony nodded and Natasha walked out of the lab. Tony sighed and found a DVD player in a cabinet full of junk.

“Who even uses DVDs anymore?” Tony mumbled to himself.

He hooked the machine up to a large flat screen and the DVD began to play.

_The scene opened in the old Avengers tower in New york. It looked like it was around Thanksgiving time since there were plastic turkeys and fake “fall” leaves adorning the fireplace. On the couch were Thor, Jane, Clint, Natasha, Pepper, Rhodey, and Bruce all sitting and drinking together all looking about five years younger. They were smiling, laughing, sharing stories. Steve’s voice could be heard from behind the camera._

_“You guys look so cute!”_

_“Steve come join us, the camera can rest against the books.”_

_The camera shifted shakily and Steve moved into frame and sat down next to Thor. They all looked at the camera smiling and waving. Steve began to speak._

_“Hi future Tony. If you’re watching this, Pepper has followed my instructions. I’m currently filming this because I’m about to ask you to be my boyfriend! Exciting! You have no idea and thought no one else had any idea but they were all in on it.” Steve winked at the camera. “I decided to record this momentous occasion incase later on you need to be reminded that you are so important to me and that will never change. Oh my god! Here he comes, act natural!”_

_A younger Tony strolled into screen holding a tray of cider in his right hand. He began with a clever quip that made everyone laugh and passed out the drinks he had with him. He made his way over to Steve and sat down next to him giving him a kiss on the cheek as he sat down._

_“Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Let’s talk responsibility. I’ll be hosting so that relieves me of any duties.”_

_Bruce chimed in, “I’ll make the Turkeys! Don’t want them to be burned like last year.” He shot a look towards Clint who threw his hands up in defense._

_“Hey, at least I didn’t hulk out when trying to bake apple pie.”_

_“I’ll bring the desserts!” Pepper interjected._

_“Thor and I can do appetizers.”_

_Thor clapped his hands in response, “I love the Midguardian holiday of giving thanks!”_

_Natasha and Clint decided to tag team all the vegetables. Rhodey agreed to help Bruce with the turkey to make sure there was no “hulk situation”. That left Steve with no responsibility._

_“What are you gonna help with Stevie?” Tony asked sweetly_

_“I was thinking I could help decorate the place. I feel like it needs a little sprucing up.”_

_“Fair enough. Good that we sorted that out so quickly. Let’s get to that Charlie Brown special!” Tony was about to turn the TV on when Steve stood up._

_“Tony before we do that I have something to ask you.” Steve walked over to the fireplace and grabbed a small box wrapped in blue wrapping paper._

_“Steve, it’s not my birthday. Or Christmas. Or any sort of holiday yet what is this?”_

_“Just open it dummy.”_

_Tony hesitantly opened the box, looking to the rest of the team for moral support. They were all holding back either laughter or knowing smiles. Inside the box was an empty photo album and a note._

_“Read it out loud!” Called Clint._

_“To Tony,” it started, “you are the light of my life both figuratively and literally (your arc reactor is the perfect nightlight). The year has been so crazy getting to know you and becoming part of the Avengers. When we first met, I was a man out of time who had just woken up from a 70 year nap.  You asked me out for a drink. It was all very sudden. You went in not knowing whether it would take or not, but after that first drink, I knew. Yes we did have to hold off on some very obvious feelings because of aliens and such, but we have recently had a little more free time.” Tony look over at Steve who winked at him. Tony continued, “Now that we have had a few weeks to explore the possibility of an_ ‘us’ _, I think it’s time to let you know that I am ready. I am ready for the next step, for the next level. I want this photo album to be filled with pictures of us together, happy.”_

_Tony began to tear up, he had to pause and take a deep breath before reading, “Tony, will you be my boyfriend?”_

_Tony threw the note on the floor and tackled Steve with a kiss. Everyone cheered and whooped. Pepper even wiped a tear from her eye. The whole occasion made everyone’s heart fill with joy and love._

_“So I’m guessing that’s a yes?” Steve asked jokingly._

_“Nope. Steve Grant Rogers I am kissing you because I hate you!”_

_Steve laughed and pulled Tony in for another passionate kiss._

The video cut to black leaving Tony smiling and crying in his lab. He wiped away the tears and ejected the disk and made sure to keep it in a safe spot. Tony kicked himself because he had forgotten all about their photo album. He turned the lights off in his lab and made his way to his room.

In a safe in his closet there was the small photo album almost entirely full of pictures of Steve and Tony and their friends. Tony smiled as he flipped through all the pages. He watched their relationship grow through a series of pictures.

The last photo was from six months ago and there were still about three pages left to fill inside. Tony closed the book and took a deep breath. Pepper always knew how to make Tony feel better. Though Steve had forgotten about him, Tony always held onto something he had once heard from his elementary school science teacher.

“The brain remembers everything. Just because you can’t recall a memory doesn’t mean it’s not there!”

Tony put his precious memories back into the safe, and for the first time in weeks went downstairs to eat dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'll try to post every week or so. Hope you're enjoying it!


	3. Dear Friend,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Steve's portion the italics in the song and in Tony's it's a memory.

**Steve**

 

It had been a few days since the rest of the team had left for their mission leaving Steve at the compound alone. Though they had insisted on someone staying with him, Steve convinced everyone that it would be better that they all went since they needed all the man power they could get. This left Steve to do whatever he wanted. 

 

The days were long which meant Steve had a chance to watch some of the movies and listen to some of the music the team had recommended for him. Steve decided to do some cleaning so he put the playlist Clint gave him and started in his own room. 

 

A song Steve had never heard began to play. He looked at the cover and assumed that the kid that everyone talked about, Peter, had probably added it. 

 

_ “Dear friend, how have you been? I think about you from time to time…” _

 

Steve glided across the room picking up old t-shirts and socks and putting them into his laundry basket. He made his bed, opened his curtains, hung up clean clothes. 

 

_ “Someday, I’d love to know how you have grown since our last goodbye…” _

 

He carefully listened to every lyric, interpreting their meaning and feeling the emotion behind it. He found it particularly easy to make a connection between himself and Tony as he had figured out that they had been friends prior to his accident, but haven’t spoken much since. 

 

_ “I know the world is changing quickly and I couldn’t tell you why. It’s beyond my understanding but I’d love it if we try…” _

 

Next he moved into the sitting room on the same floor, where pillows were strewn messily across the couch. He rearranged them how he’d seen Tony do it once before, trying to recreate it exactly. He tenderly held a pillow to his face breathing in their scent that reminded him of Tony. 

 

Steve had given up trying to resist any urge when he was alone. He would drift through the days thinking about Tony and trying to recall anything other than the one memory he has of what he assumes is the first time they met. 

 

_ “Growing older every moment. Time’s falling through my hands and I don’t have to know the meaning, but I’d love to have a chance…”  _

 

Next, he ventured into the kitchen seeing that there was a sticky note left on one of the cabinets. He took the orange square off and read it. “T minus 9 days until you get your capsicle back!” with a little smiley face in the corner. 

 

Steve knew he wasn’t meant to read the note so he tried to put it back as similarly to how he found it. He had heard stories about how they had found him in the Ice and realized that he was “capsicle”. This made Steve’s breath catch in his chest. Tony was writing notes about him. Steve decided that when Tony came back, he would tell him the truth because he was tired of lying to everyone, especially Tony. 

 

_ “These days, so much has changed. I stay awake though it’s hard sometimes…” _

 

When the team got back from their mission they were all exhausted and sore. The enemy had proven tougher to defeat than they had originally planned. Steve joined everyone in the conference room once again for a debrief so he would get a chance to talk to Tony one they finished. 

 

Fury’s face was on the screen looking down at them, “Good work, team. You guys kicked some serious ass. I know those robots were a bit of a surprise, but nothing we haven’t dealt with before, aye?”

 

Natasha rolled her eyes and flatly replied, “You knew about them didn’t you.”

 

“What I know and don’t know are none of your business Romanov. Anyway, Cap, how’s the ol’ noggin? Think you can get out into the field soon?”

 

All eyes turned to Steve as he replied, “I don’t know. We’ll see.”

 

The rest of the debrief went quickly and Fury hung up leaving the room in silence. Steve looked around the room and saw that all his friends, except vision, had bags under their eyes and scratches and bruises all over their arms and shoulders. They clearly hadn’t had a chance to shower or relax since they got back which left Steve to take care of dinner for everyone. 

 

“Not to sound mean, but you all look like crap.” 

 

This earned Steve a few pained chuckles and a pat on the shoulder from Sam. Tony remained cold: he stared off into space and didn’t react when Steve said anything. This made Steve’s chest ache. He wanted Tony and him to be friends again. 

 

“I have made the executive decision to make dinner for everyone so please go take a shower and relax until it’s ready.”

 

The entire team, including Tony, whipped their heads to look at Steve. They looked shocked, but slowly began to get up to leave the room. Steve knew it was because he had been kind of terrible for the past few weeks and this sudden nice gesture was out of the blue. Steve knew that he needed to get everyone in a better mood if he was going to ask Tony to talk. 

 

Rhodey nodded at Steve as he left and said, “Glad to see you’re feeling better.” 

 

Steve was left alone in the conference room, but this time he didn’t feel like crying. He felt hopeful that he could make things better between him and Tony. He grabbed the tablet from the middle of the table and found a recipe for sliders and mac and cheese. Steve may not have remembered much about anything, but he learned quickly that food was a solution to everything. He also learned that comfort food could brighten anyone’s mood. 

 

Steve went to the kitchen and found all the ingredients easily. He was silently glad that he wouldn't have to leave the compound since he would have had to do it alone. He put in his headphones again while he worked. 

 

Steve found that he adored music. He loved every kind from Rap to country to alternative to R&B. Music made him feel things. When he would do most things, Steve would play music, even if it would annoy his friends. 

 

Dancing around the kitchen, Steve easily followed the directions and made sure to make a conscious effort to remember everything that he had done so not to repeat a step or mess up the food. What Steve hadn’t realized was that he was not alone in his own world of music. There was someone in the doorway that lead to the rest of the compound. They were watching him cook. Steve did a double take and saw that the person was in fact Tony Stark. 

 

_ “I’d love to know what you think. Oh I miss when you’d share what was on your mind. Oh I just don’t know how I’m doing…” _

 

Steve quickly ripped his headphones out and stopped dancing. There was a long pause before Tony moved onto the couch. 

 

“I’m sorry for disturbing you. You can go back to what you were doing.” Tony’s voice was incredibly quiet and reserved. Steve couldn’t figure out what emotion was plastered on Tony’s face. 

 

Steve turned red. He always had his guard up around everyone. He barely let his friends into his head let alone the guy that made Steve’s heart go crazy. By accident, Tony had seen a side of Steve that he wasn’t meant to see just yet.

 

Steve finally blurted out, “Actually Tony, I want to talk to you.” 

 

Tony’s expression remained the same though Steve could see the intiruge behind his eyes. 

 

“Not today though. Tomorrow, outside, at noon. Please.”

 

Tony nodded slowly, remaining silent. Steve could see Tony’s brain processing what Steve would say to him. Then just like before, Steve couldn’t get a read on what emotion Tony was feeling or whether he was going to reject him when they talked. 

 

“I’m sorry to ask, but can you please not stay here? I was kinda getting into a groove and I’d appreciate it if I was left alone.”

 

Tony didn’t say a word to Steve, just got up and left towards his lab. Steve sighed out of both sadness and relief. Tony hadn’t completely brushed him off.

 

_ “I leave my window open wide and as far as I’m concerned, I forget from time to time...” _

 

Steve shoved the buds back into his ears and restarted the song he had missed while talking to Tony. He re entered the rhythm of his work and found himself having fun while making food for everyone. 

 

It took a couple hours finish cooking, but luckily everyone was starving when dinner was ready. Steve laid out the food family style on the table and called everyone for dinner. Though Steve rarely ate dinner, he knew that dinner together was special as it didn’t happen very often since they were all working and had lives. The first into the kitchen were Clint and Natasha. They both praised Steve’s cooking and happily took large helpings of the food. 

 

Next in were Bucky, Vision, Bruce, and Wanda. Vision declined politely as he didn’t need to eat, but Bucky didn’t give Steve a second glance before grabbing his own serving of mac and cheese. Sam hugged Steve and thanked him telling him that he was glad to see Steve’s mood improving. 

 

Steve wanted to grab his own plate, but also waited for everyone else to else to get their own food. The one person that was missing from everything was Tony. Steve was sad at the thought that Tony had forgotten about him even though they had just talked a few hours back. Steve was suddenly struck with the thought  _ oh, this is how he feels _ . 

 

Tony did come about five minutes later in sweatpants and a t-shirt. His arms had bits of motor oil on them and there was a bruise on his right cheek. 

 

_ “I’m so curious about you, I just saw you in my dream. You showed up just to surprise me, and disappeared so suddenly…”  _

 

Tony smiled at Rhodey when he walked in. Steve noticed the little crinkle of his eyes when he smiled, but the heavy bags under his eyes gave his face a drained look. The smile fell as he made eye contact with Steve and quickly grabbed his food before scampering away to find a seat with Rhodey. Steve knew there was nothing between them—from the insistence of Natasha—but now it felt like a punch in the gut to see them so happy all the time.

 

_ “Apologies for being scattered, I just couldn’t go to sleep. I hope you don’t think that I’m crazy if that’s really what you think…” _

 

Steve grabbed a small plate of food for himself and walked over the microwave. The food had gotten cold since he had been waiting for everyone else. He typed in forty five seconds and watched the timer tick away. Steve felt a presence behind him and turned to see Natasha—her face looked deadly serious. 

 

“So, I hear your talking to Tony tomorrow. Anything you want to tell me?”

 

Steve shook his head, “Thanks, but I think I’ve got this one. Trust me.”

 

Natasha gave him questioning look and when the microwave started beeping said, “Fine, but just know that I’m here if you need to talk afterwards.” 

 

Steve nodded, grabbed his food, and snuck away to his own room leaving his friends to enjoy their meal in peace. 

 

_ “Sometimes I just feel so helpless. Spend hours in this room tryna formulate my feelings and clear the thought of you…” _

 

Steve put his food on his night stand and went to lie down on his bed facing up towards the ceiling. He put his headphones in his ears and played that song he heard earlier that he thought Peter had put in. He liked the calm nature of the song and the lyrics. He closed his eyes and thought about what he would say to Tony when he would see him next. 

 

_ “Dear friend, how have you been? I think about you from time to time...” _

 

Steve forgot about the food on his plate and let the music absorb him into his thoughts and out of his body. Steve felt content. 

  
  
  
  


**Tony**

 

After Steve had asked Tony if they could talk, he felt extremely nauseous and light headed. He thought he was going to faint a couple times while in the lab, but realized that this was progress in the right direction and the feeling went away for a bit. Steve had not only offered to cook dinner for everyone while dancing around the kitchen, but he actually wanted to talk to Tony face to face—he was getting better. 

 

Tony couldn’t sleep that night and spent hours pacing around the lab running different scenarios in his head and thinking of what he was going to say and act like. At around 4:00 am Tony decided to work on the memory machine that he and Bruce had been building for Steve. It was nearly finished, but hadn’t been tested out yet so there was no guarantee it was going to work properly. 

 

As the clock crept closer and closer to noon, Tony felt himself having doubts. The world felt like it was spinning and he felt like there was an elephant on his chest.  _ What if Steve doesn’t show up? What if he changes his mind? What if I react poorly and Steve never wants to talk to me again? What happens if the machine doesn’t work? Will I ever get Steve back? _

 

Tony accidentally drifted off for a bit not realizing that he was so exhausted because he felt so awake just seconds before. Tony saw that he was in the old Malibu mansion. It looked the same: clean, neat, not completely destroyed. He felt that something was off but he couldn’t place his finger on what was missing. He wandered around the house a bit looking at the blurry pictures on the walls. It was completely silent in the house, no hum of machinery or birds outside or the lapping of the ocean. He explored every floor looking for the thing he was missing, but everything was the exact way he remembered it.

 

_ Remembered, Steve! _ Tony frantically ran through the house looking for Steve but couldn’t find him anywhere. The doors were locked and none of the windows would open which left Tony alone and helpless in his home. He missed Steve, but Steve didn’t miss him.

 

Tony had no recollection of what had happened in the dream but when he woke up to his alarm to meet Steve, his heart felt heavy and despair sank into his skin. 

 

Tony quickly dressed and tried to shake off the feeling from his dream. It didn’t work. He made his way outside of the compound where he saw Steve chopping wood. Tony approached slowly.

 

“So why’d you call me out here?” Tony asked, trying not to sound desperate.

 

Steve looked into Tony’s eyes. Tony could see the uncertainty in his eyes, “I asked you to come out here because I want your help to remember something. I’m tired of being lost.”

 

Tony opened his mouth to respond, but Steve continued before he got a chance, “Tony, I know I’ve been a jerk for the past month, but Natasha talked to me after the meeting. She said you were upset, but not why.” Steve fiddled with the end of his shirt and nervously continued, “I wanted to know why you’re so upset, but I realized that I had to figure it out on my own.”

 

Tony’s heart was racing. His voice was shaky, “What exactly do you need my help with?”

 

“Do you think you could build a machine-?”

 

“To bring back your memories,” Tony finished. His brain was speeding at one hundred miles per hour. This was the first real conversation they were having since Steve lost his memories. Tony could barely keep up with everything.

 

Steve cut off Tony’s train of thought with, “Yeah, exactly like that.”

 

Tony didn’t know why he lied to Steve, but his mouth started speaking without thinking, “I could try, but you can’t keep being so closed off to everyone. You have to trust me.”

 

Tony knew that this was his own brain tricking Steve into having to trust him, but Steve sincerely responded with, “Okay. I’ll try.”

 

Before Tony could say that he had already began to build the machine Steve said, “Let’s start right now. I’m going to trust you.” Steve took a breath, “Because I think I remember something.”

 

Tony tried so hard to say something, tried to so hard to utter one word in response but it took him a minute to say, “What?”

 

“I can vaguely remember a very large room. I was sitting at a table. There’s someone named bruce and someone who has long blonde hair. I remember seeing you there, talking to someone. I don’t know who they are. I think we were at a mission briefing, but the weird thing is I feel like I don’t know who you are

 

“I see you and, I don’t know why, my heart skips a beat. I think you asked me out for a drink. I know something happened between us. I just don’t know what. I’m so sorry, but that’s all I remember.”

 

Tony suddenly plunged into the memory.

 

_ Tony had been late to his first meeting with the group Nick Fury was putting together called “The Avengers”. He heard Captain America was going to be there and he was ecstatic. When he arrived at the carrier, Coulson was waiting for him.  _

 

_ “Glad to see you came, Tony,” he said flatly.  _

_ “You too Agent. Where are John, Paul, and George?” _

 

_ “You really think you’re Ringo?” _

 

_ “Yeah man, I even know how to play the drums.” Tony winked and Coulson simply rolled his eyes.  _

_  
_ _ “They’re waiting for you. Follow me.” _

 

_ They walked in silence for a bit.  _

_  
_ _ “So, I heard Captain America is apart of this whole thing.” _

 

_ Coulson nodded, “Yup. I’m hoping he’ll sign my trading cards. Loved him as a kid.” _

 

_ They rounded a corner and entered the room where the rest of the team was, “Phil, I know you’ve had a thing for Star Spangled, but keep your cool. This is his first mission with us.” _

 

_ Tony laughed at his own comment, but his breath caught as soon as he got a look at a pair of inquisitive blue eyes staring at him. They were a deep and beautiful blue like the sky and ocean mixed together to form the perfect shade. Tony realized that the eyes belonged to none other than Steve Rogers aka Captain America.  _

 

_ Tony broke the stare and said, “Good morning, Captain America! It’s very nice that you could join us today. I’m Tony Stark.” _

 

_ “Please, call me Steve.” _

 

_ Tony’s heart was doing somersaults in his chest whenever Steve spoke. He cooly responded, “Alrighty then, Steve.” Before he even knew what he was doing his mouth continued with, “After the mission, wanna get a drink?” Tony immediately regretted what he just said. His cheeks began to burn and he tried to look away from Steve when he rejected him. _

 

_ Bruce Banner, the famous Bruce Banner, was standing behind Steve looking at Tony in disbelief. “Did you just ask him out?” _

 

_ Steve ignored his comment and responded, “You know what, Mr. Stark? I might take you up on that offer.” _

 

_ The whole room was in disbelief. Coulson shot Tony a dirty look but Tony was elated, “You can call me Tony.”  _

 

_ “Alright Tony.” _

 

Tony was pulled back into the present by a hand on his arm—specifically Steve’s hand. He looked down, and yanked his arm out of Steve’s grip.

 

“Tony, what’s wrong?” Steve asked frantically. 

 

Tony didn’t have any words to say. Instead he started off to the shed nearby. 

 

“Tony, where are you going?” Steve yelled after him. 

 

Tony felt like a the whole world had flipped upside down. The only thing he could think was God help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to know what song Steve was listening to it's called "Dear Friend," by Dayglow. You can find them on spotify or on apple music. They don't have much of a presence on youtube sooooo. Yeah! Good times. Some of the lyrics might not be completely right because there are no official lyrics so I just listened to it a bunch... lol


	4. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More italics of memories, but also thoughts of the character. Sorry for all the different uses :/

**Tony**

 

Tony entered the shed feeling like he the world was crushing his chest.  _ You said you weren’t going to freak out on him! Ugh JARVIS was right, I should have taken some pills or something.  _ Tony was so caught up in his own head that he didn’t realize that Steve was still following and calling after him. 

 

“Tony! Where are you going?!?!” 

 

Steve’s deep voice finally hit Tony and he felt his breath catch in his throat. He needed to respond to Steve but his internal talking gears weren’t working like they usually were. 

 

Tony ran his hands through his hair, refusing to look at Steve. He finally managed to say, “Steve, I want to help. I really do, but you have to give me a second to breathe. I feel like I can’t breathe.”

 

Steve was silent. Even though he wasn’t looking at him, Tony could tell that Steve had taken a few steps back. Tony was grateful as he now had a chance to take some deep breaths as Pepper had suggested. 

 

Tony was trying to focus on breathing when he heard a soft voice say, “Tony, tell me what’s going on. Please.”

 

“Steve, I’m sorry.” Tony turned to finally look at Steve. There was his boyfriend. Tall, handsome, strong. But in his eyes there was no sign that Steve knew what Tony was feeling, only sadness and pain. Tony continued, “Seeing you and being around you… it’s the most painful thing I’ve ever done.” 

 

Those last words made Steve flinch. Tony could see how bad Steve wanted to say the right thing, but nothing could fix what Tony was feeling.  _ Despair _ . For once in his life Tony had been seen for more than fame or money. For once someone loved Tony unconditionally for who he was inside and not the fake charm he put on for the press. For once in Tony’s tragic and meaningless life, Steve made him feel wanted and special. 

 

All those times Tony hated himself and was so close to ending it all melted away when he was with Steve. The world felt right with Steve: when they held hands, when they kissed, in bed, traveling, fighting side by side, simply looking into those bright blue eyes and seeing the love and knowing that he was all Steve’s. These were the times Tony held dear and they were gone. As if nothing had happened. 

 

Tony wanted to scream. 

 

Steve simply said, “Tony, please tell me what I did.” 

 

_ “Baby, please tell me what I did.” _

 

_ Steve and Tony stood next to each other as the quinjet made its way back to the tower. Tony sighed and kept looking ahead. Steve always blamed himself when Tony was in one of his moods, but today Tony was just thinking about the future. It wasn’t Steve’s fault.  _

 

_ “Steve, you didn’t do anything. I’m just not in a talkative mood.”  _

 

_ “Are you sure? You’re always in the mood to talk. Not that it’s a bad thing. I love it.” _

 

_ Tony chuckled a bit at that. Steve always told him how much he loved when he would go off on one of his science rants and Steve wouldn’t understand a thing he said. Steve said that he looked the happiest when he was lecturing.  _

 

_ “Steve, I promise I’m okay. Please stop worrying.” _

 

_ Steve nodded and replied, “Okay. I’m sorry.” Steve always tried to make everything his own fault and apologize as if he needed to. Tony always had to remind him that he didn’t have to take the blame for everything. They had been working on that kind of stuff together: Tony would try to not feel like he didn’t deserve Steve and Steve would stop trying to apologize for everything that went wrong.  _

 

_ “Don’t be.” A subtle reminder to let Steve know that everything was okay. _

 

Tony winced when he heard Steve begin to blame himself. Steve had gotten over his habit only recently and now that Steve was doing it again made Tony’s skin crawl. It meant that Steve really wasn't the Steve he knew.

 

Tony didn’t mean to sound so angry but he snapped, “Steve, you may not have your memories, but I do. And it hurts. It fucking hurts.” As soon as he was done saying it, Tony wished he could say it in a nicer way. Steve looked mortified. Tony knew the exact process Steve was going through and Tony wanted to so badly reach out and hug Steve and tell him that it wasn’t his fault but he remained planted to his spot. 

 

Steve began to say, “Tony, I-”

 

Tony didn’t feel like holding back seeing as he had ruined everything already, “That memory you suddenly have? That was the first time we met. And I want you to figure out why you felt the way you did.”

 

Tony didn’t know why he was playing these games with Steve, but he needed Steve to figure it out himself. He needed to hear Steve say the words that he had been wanting to hear for a month. 

 

Steve looked at Tony with puzzled but sad eyes. Tony could see that Steve was going through something because his hand clenched and unclenched a few times. 

 

“I don’t know what this feeling is. My chest feels tight when I see you and it feels like there are butterflies in my stomach. I’ve been so distant because I feel a spark when you touch my skin. I was afraid of what I was feeling, but now I’m just confused.”

 

_ Tony looked Steve up and down and smiled. His boyfriend was so strong, “You look really hot in that suit, Rogers.” Steve shot him a dirty look for the last name drop but Tony just planted a quick kiss on his cheek and said, “I love you Steve, don’t ever forget that.” _

 

_ Lights started flashing overhead. “I think we’re coming in for a landing.”  _

 

_ Steve grabbed Tony’s hand, “Hey, Tony. I love you too.” _

 

_ Tony squeezed and felt that usual tingly feeling move through his whole body. He felt happy.  _

 

“That feeling of electricity and butterflies is the most amazing feeling in the world. It’s what makes the world go ‘round...” 

 

_ Steve looked at Tony with admiration, “I won’t ever forget...” _

 

“It’s love…” 

 

Tony’s voice faltered towards the end and he felt the hot tears rising behind his eyes. He quickly turned away from Steve and leaned on the tractor in front of him. He hadn’t taken the time to come to terms with his feelings and everything was spewing out of him in front of a confused and helpless Steve. Tony suddenly felt the tightness in chest and his breath started coming out unevenly. He was having a panic attack; something that hadn’t happened in years after the battle of New York. 

 

Tony tried to stumble away from Steve but only managed to get a few feet before collapsing on the ground again. His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest and he could feel his brain losing oxygen. Tony hadn’t seen, but Steve darted over to him and was trying to calm him down. 

 

“Tony! Hey! Shh Shh. Just breathe. You’re okay. Please just take some deep breaths. It will all be okay.” Steve was looking down at Tony, but was making sure to keep his distance so he wouldn’t upset Tony more.

 

Steve’s soothing voice reminded Tony of how they used to be. Right after the battle Tony had trouble sleeping and the panic attacks would come whenever someone mentioned it. Steve had tried to help, but once accidentally set off Tony when he touched his bad arm. After that, Steve made sure to not touch Tony without permission and be on his toes when Tony began to go to a bad place. 

 

Tony knew that however unconscious it was, Steve was still in there and fighting to come out. Tony’s breath started to come back and he felt the burning in his lungs die down as he took in more air. Tony wiped the sweat from his forehead and grunted a “thank you” at Steve when he felt ready to speak. 

 

Steve was now sitting cross-legged on the floor next to Tony. He was staring at his lap and fiddling with his shoelaces. Tony needed to be alone. He needed time to think and needed to finish that memory machine. Tony began to stand, but Steve was already there, helping him up. The locked eyes for a moment and before Steve could say anything Tony took a few steps away from him. 

 

“Steve, please. I just need to be alone right now.”

 

Steve didn’t say a word, but nodded and left the shed. Tony was now alone with his own feelings of regret, fear, sadness, and determination. He needed Steve back or he was afraid it might kill him. 

 

“FRIDAY, call Pepper for me.”

 

“Right away Sir. And shall I start the prohibition protocol?”

 

“You know me too well FRIDAY.”

 

Tony had created the protocol after his first few panic attacks because he had gotten so drunk that he almost died of alcohol poisoning. He first installed it with JARVIS, but reinstalled it after JARVIS became Vision. FRIDAY would now have the power to lock up all the booze available and constantly monitor his blood alcohol content. 

 

Tony rubbed his temples as he heard the phone ringing. He prayed Pepper would pick up because he needed someone to talk to. Tony finally heard the high pitched voice of his best friend.

 

“Tony! What happened?!?!”

 

“Ugh Pep, don’t even get me started.”

 

Tony and Pepper talked for hours. During their conversation, Tony managed to get up and leave the shed. He made his way back to the compound where he got very confused looks when he would start yelling randomly as no one could see his earpiece. He then made it all the way down to the lab where he laid on the couch for the rest of their talk. When Pepper finally hung up it was already 5:30. Tony had missed out on about five hours of his day. Tony and Steve’s interaction felt like years ago. 

 

“FRIDAY?”

 

“Yes, Sir?”

 

“Can you give me a location on Captain Rogers?”

 

“He is in the gym, Sir.”

 

“Can you call Bruce Banner down to the lab? Tell him it’s urgent.”

 

“Right away, Sir.”

 

“Please put on my relaxation mix.”

 

The sounds of classic rock began to fill the lab as Tony got up from the couch and stretched his arms. He yawned and pulled up the holographic schematics of the machine they were building. Tony knew that it would be up and running within the next couple days, but he needed to make sure it would work.

 

“Hey Tony!” A thick New York accent yelled over the music.

 

“FRIDAY off.”

 

The music turned off and Tony turned to see Bruce Banner with worried eyes. 

 

“FRIDAY said it was urgent. What’s going on?”   
  


“I think we need to run a test on me.”

 

“What?!? Tony, you can’t just offer yourself up. We can do me. At least we know if anything goes wrong I’ve got the green guy as insurance.”

 

“No, I want to do this. Please.”

 

“Ugh, I know there’s no use in arguing with you, but it was worth a shot.” Bruce sighed, “Let’s get you hooked up.”

 

The two scientists moved towards the large machine and Tony sat down in a chair in front of it. Bruce attached a few wires and other bits to Tony and put on safety goggles. 

 

“What do you want to remember?”

 

“How about… my seventh birthday.”

 

“Why that one?”

 

“My dad forced me to drink an entire bottle of whiskey and I blacked out. My mom told me that it had happened, but wouldn’t share any of the details.”

 

Bruce didn’t know what to say in response so he simply nodded. He flipped the machine on and typed in the date Tony gave him. The machine began to hum. 

 

Tony’s vision completely blacked out and he could no longer hear what was happening in the room. He tried to remain calm, but the sudden silence and complete immersion in darkness was making him nervous. Suddenly, Tony’s eyes shot open. He was seven again.  _ The world looked so big around him and he saw his dad sitting in his office chair with a bottle of whiskey sitting on the desk. Tony watched as his dad took one look at him and rolled his eyes.  _

 

_ A hand suddenly came down and hit him across the head. Tony winced and felt the tears falling down his face. His head hurt and his dad just smirked. _ __  
  


_ “What? Do you want something to make it feel better?” His dad asked with venom in his voice.  _

 

_ “Yes please, Daddy.” _

 

_ “Drink this.” Howard sloppily held the bottle to Tony’s mouth and tipped into his mouth. Tony tried to take a small gulp but found that his dad wouldn’t put the bottle down. The amber liquid burned as it slid down his small throat. He began to cry and tried to tell his dad to stop, but he couldn’t get the words out without choking. When the bottle was completely finished Tony stumbled away. His head was throbbing and all he could do was cry. His daddy didn’t make his head feel better, he made his head feel worse.  _

 

_ The rest of the memory flashed by and consisted of Tony passing out and being picked by Maria who quickly rushed him to the bathroom. Tony felt so sick he thought he was going to die. Maria slipped some pills into Tony’s mouth who then began to throw up into the toilet. Tony began to sob and beg for everything to stop. His mom just shushed him and pet his head.  _

 

_ Howard suddenly burst into the bathroom and grabbed Maria by her wrist and began yelling. He scolded her for helping Tony and tried to make her leave Tony alone. Tony screamed at the top of his lungs as hot tears were flooding down his face. Maria tried to pull away, but Howard just pushed her away and shut the door. He locked the door and Tony could hear his mother being dragged away. The rest of the night was spent in fetal position on the cold floor babbling nonsense to himself while he was in and out of consciousness. When he woke up, he was still locked away in the bathroom. He didn’t think anyone was going to come rescue him.  _

 

Tony was jerked out of the memory and ripped the wires off him and fell to the floor. Just like in his memory, he was sat on the floor with his knees close to his chest. Bruce rushed to where Tony was lying and put a hand on his arm. 

 

“Tony are you okay?”

 

“I think it works.” Tony sputtered and then passed out. 

  
  


**Steve**

 

When Tony began to cry and hyperventilate it was like something in Steve switched on. He suddenly felt extremely protective of Tony, but something within said not to approach. Steve began to try to calm Tony down verbally. This felt right and Steve didn’t know why. Steve felt his heart racing at a million miles per hour but was only concerned about Tony. 

 

It took a lot of repetition, but Steve finally got Tony to start taking in real breathes instead of short gasps. Once Tony had begun to breathe again he muttered a quick, “Thank you.”

 

Steve didn’t know what the proper procedure was now that Tony was feeling better. He hoped they could talk more, but knew it wasn’t likely. Tony tried to stand up, but failed miserably. Steve swooped in and scooped Tony onto his feet. Steve backed away hesitantly and looked into the those big brown eyes. They were sad, disappointed, and every other sad emotion Steve could think of. 

 

Steve wanted to say something,  _ anything _ , but nothing would come out. He simply sat there opening and closing his mouth like a cod fish. Steve knew Tony could see his failed attempts at being a human being and stepped away from him. Tony asked to be alone and Steve obeyed. 

 

Steve quickly left and found his way to Bucky’s room. He didn’t know why, but something in him steered him here. He knocked softly and waited for Bucky to answer the door. He hated to impose on whatever Bucky was doing, but he wanted someone to talk to and apparently Bucky had known him since they were kids. The door swung open to reveal Bucky in sweatpants and a t-shirt with a large book in his hands.

 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Bucky asked looking Steve up and down.

 

Steve hadn’t realized it, but he had been crying as well. He quickly wiped away a few tears and said, “Um, actually. I’m really sorry to bother you, but I just need someone to talk to and you’re the first person I thought of. I think you know me the best, but I’m not really sure-”

 

“Hey, hey. Shh, it’s okay, Steve.” Bucky wrapped Steve in his arms and held on for a while. “You don’t ever have to apologize for wanting to talk to me. This is what best friends are for stupid.” 

 

Bucky pulled Steve into his room and pushed him onto the bed. He threw some pillows at him and said something that sounded like “make yourself comfortable” but bucky was holding the book in his mouth. 

 

“Alright, what’s wrong?”

 

Bucky’s eyes were welcoming and warm. Steve felt a faint sense of recognition as if in a dream somewhere he knew Bucky. 

 

“Tony just had a panic attack while we were talking.”

 

“Oh shit. He hasn’t had one of those since you and hi-” Bucky stopped. His eyes immediately lost their warmth and crinkled in concern. Bucky thought about his next words carefully. He took a breath, “In years. I wonder what set him off.”

 

Steve dismissed whatever Bucky was going to say and continued with, “Well, we were talking about the memory Nat probably told you about and he starting getting all weird and I tried to tell him about my feelings to finally get some answers, but he seemed upset. Then he said something about love and all this other stuff then he couldn’t breathe and fell over.”

 

Bucky blinked at Steve with sympathetic eyes. He sighed and tugged at the ends of the blankets. 

 

“Listen Steve, love is a very complicated thing. I know you can’t understand it right now, but it can bring people together and tear people apart. In Tony’s case, he loved something so unconditionally even though his whole life he believed he would never find love and no one would ever love him. He lost that thing and now he is being torn apart from the inside out and you are a constant reminder of what he lost.”

 

Steve didn’t know what to say. It was all his fault that Tony was in pain and that Tony had the panic attack and that Tony was having a hard time being around him. It was all  _ his fault _ . 

 

“It’s all my fault.”

 

Bucky’s head shot up, “No, no that’s not what I meant. It’s not your fault Steve, I promise. Please don’t blame yourself. I’m begging you.”

 

Steve couldn’t stop the spiral that his brain was going down while Bucky tried to insist it wasn’t his fault. All the connections were clear and Steve hadn’t seen them before. Tony had been so weird around him and only him. He avoided Steve exclusively and didn’t talk to him very much. Steve was a constant reminder of pain and suffering. 

 

“Steve, I know exactly what you are doing. Stop it!”

 

“Bucky, it’s all my fault. All of it. I am causing him pain when all I want to do is be near him, but that’s what’s causing him pain!” Steve jumped off the bed and started towards the door

 

“Steve come on! Please don’t leave.”

 

“I’m going down to the gym. I need to think about some things.” He slammed the door on his way out, though he didn’t mean to make it sounds so angry. 

 

On the way to the gym Steve ran into Natasha who grabbed his arm and pushed him against the wall. 

 

“What the hell was that for?” Steve grunted at the redhead. 

 

“You’re making the face.”

 

“What face?”

 

“The ‘I just found something out and now I’m going to go ignore my feelings while punching a bag’ face.”

 

“I was not making that-” Natasha cut him off with a deadly glare. “Fine, maybe I was making that face a little.”

 

“I’ve known you for years Rogers, I know these things. Every time you and Tony would-” Natasha took the same pause Bucky did, but recovered quicker, “I’m coming with you is the point here. I used to do it before and I’ll keep doing it now.”

 

“What? No, Nat! You don’t need to come with me, I’ll be fine.”

 

“You won’t be fine according the extremely worried phone call I got from Barnes.”

 

“Fine. Can you let me go?” Natasha dropped her grip and Steve gave her a nasty look. 

 

“What’s on the agenda captain?”

 

“Lots and lots of punching.”

 

They walked in silence the rest of the way down. Steve didn’t try to fight the hatred building inside. What was the point? Tony hated him anyway. Everytime Natasha would try to say something about he would cut her off and tell her “after”. For how tough she always acted, she had a soft spot for Steve and he didn’t know why. 

 

Once they reached the familiar hallway that lead to the gym, Steve stopped and turned to Nat, “I know you used to do this with me back when I was me, but I’m not that version of me anymore and I’m setting some rules.” Steve eyed Natasha and she signaled for him to continue. “Number one, we are not talking about it until after. Don’t mention it, say anything about it, not a single word. Number two, don’t stop me if I go hard on myself, I’m coping.” Steve finished the last word with a hint of sarcasm thinking back to the first few days of his post coma lifestyle where he would spend hours in the gym. “Lastly, don’t tell Tony anything. I have already caused him enough pain today.” 

 

And with that they were off on their own: Steve punching with enough rage to take down an army and Natasha working on strength training. They worked in silence side by side for hours. Natasha had to stop a few times for a break as she wasn’t a genetically enhanced soldier. 

 

At around 6:00 pm, Steve called it quits and went to take a shower. He stepped in and let the hot water burn against his skin until he got used to the temperature. He stood for about three minutes before breaking down in the shower falling to the floor. He cried and let the water flow. 

 

Natasha knocked on the bathroom door, “Can we talk about it now?”

 

_ “you are a constant reminder of what he lost” _

 

Steve simply whimpered in response. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check me out on instagram @arc.shield! ;))))


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